I’m making sauce today. Someone asked what my recipe was. I was ordered to write more. Here’s the recipe.

Start early. Around nine a.m. run to the store and buy your stuff. This is what you need:

• 1 sweet onion
• 4-5 cloves of garlic
• 1 can whole peeled tomatoes
• 1 can crushed tomatoes
• 1 pound ground beef
• 1 green bell pepper
• Soy sauce
• Oregano
• Basil
• 2 Bay leaves
• Sugar
• Salt
• Sriracha

First: take about three-quarters of a sweet onion (depending on size) and 3-5 garlic cloves. Take them apart with a knife like you were a serial killer. Cast iron: dump in some olive oil and then start a sautee going.

Next: find a big-ish pot. Into it dump the crushed tomatoes and then the peeled tomatoes.

Next: wash your fucking hands. I’m super serious now because you’re going to get into it.

Now dive your hands into that pot of tomato goop and tear apart those peeled tomatoes like you were a rabid dog in a room full of babies. Now clean up the tomato mess that got out of the pot so that your wife doesn’t get mad at you.

Put the pot on low heat. Don’t deviate from the low heat. That’s essential. Add in a whole mess of oregano and basil. Add in two bay leaves (I actually own a bay laurel tree, so mine are always fresh). Add: 2 teaspoons sugar and salt. Pour in about a half cup of soy sauce. Give it a three to five second squirt from the bottle of sriracha.

The onions should be done sauteeing now. Add them to the pot.

Brown the ground beef. Drain it and add it to the pot.

Now it’s gonna sit for like, five hours. Stir this pot every now and then, of course. But mostly: play video games and let the smell permeate the household.

Five hours is about right. Three is barely acceptable. Longer is better: the acid in the tomatoes is taking apart the other ingredients. It needs time to work.

Freeze leftover sauce. It actually gets better the older it is. Heat up on the stove, not the microwave.